


Born To Try

by Lilly_C



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Episode Tag, Friendship, Gen, Originally Posted Elsewhere, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-10
Updated: 2004-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-28 20:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly_C/pseuds/Lilly_C
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monica's thoughts on failing</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Born To Try

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler for Hellbound. Any mistakes are my own and unintentional.  
> Written in 2002 and first posted in 2004.

^^^

NOVI, VIRGINIA

("You... always fail.")

John knocked gently on Monica's motel room door.

"Yeah, who is it?"

"It's me, can I come in?"

Monica took the chain off the door and let John in.

"I'm gonna go across to police headquarters and give them my statement of events. Are you coming?"

"No I'll stay here John, I've got something to do."

"OK then..... you know where I am if you need me."

"Yeah I do. See ya later."

_("Whoever I was I failed. In 1868. In 1909. In 1960. I failed. I was always there, but I couldn't stop the killings. And he knew that. Just like he knows I'm here right now. He feels me... the way I felt him when I saw the picture of the first victim. And somehow he knows my deepest fear, that I'll fail.")_

_Once John had left Monica locked the door and slowly walked across the room to the double bed, sitting on the edge of the bed she unzipped her boots and kicked them off. A few minutes passed before she fell backwards on the bed and she couldn't wipe her tears away fast enough._

_At the very beginning of her life she failed, it was to be her destiny to fail. All her life she walked the long and winding road to failure this case proving how much of a failure she was._

_During the first weeks of her life her real mother didn't want to know her, or want to love her. She failed her. She was adopted. The family she had for the first three months decided that they didn't want a baby, but an older child. Again she failed. She was given to another family. They are the family she has now and she has failed them in so many ways when she was growing up._

_One time she had been given some responsibility and she screwed up by setting the kitchen on fire. She was cooking baked beans and forgot that the gas ring was still on._

_Had she not gone into the kitchen to wash the dishes when she did, there would have been no house and her family would have been homeless because she failed on such a simple task._

_I'll forward a few years to when she was twelve. Mom and dad went through a real rough patch all because of the fact that she's not theirs. Although they worked out their differences and decided not to divorce she failed them because she's not blood._

_In college she fell in love with a boy called Adam. He had the most intense green eyes and the cutest smile a boy could ever own. She failed him._

_For his eighteenth birthday they went to a drive-in movie to watch Jaws. Driving back was terrible. Adam saw something in the road and swerved to avoid it, but he careered into a willow tree. Adam was paralyzed from the waist down and died three years later on his twenty-first birthday._

_She's still alive. She's the lucky one. All she escaped with was a broken leg and five cracked ribs. Adam's eighteenth was going to be a memorable and special day but it ended in tragedy._

_After a few years she recovered and started to let people in._

_In 1990 she joined the FBI at first she was successful, that was until she was called in to lead the taskforce to find a missing seven year old boy - Luke Doggett, John's son. She failed him after three days."_

_Although he told her that she had done her best to find Luke, she still failed him. It's her biggest personal failure not finding her best friends son alive._

_This latest case, the skinning has proved to the world and it's own how big a failure she is no matter what people tell her about her success both with work and love but she knows deep down she is a failure._

_She knows she really shouldn't think like this, normally she doesn't unless a case or an individual affects her. Normally she is the epitome of positive and relaxed._

John knocked loudly on the door. "Monica you in there?"

Monica quickly sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Coming!"

Monica removed the chain and turned the key in the lock. John pushed the door, almost knocking Monica to the ground.

"Sorry Nic, you OK?"

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm good."

Monica's eyes were black from her mascara running. "Have you been crying?"

Monica lowered her head to avoid John's concerned gaze, "No what gives you that idea?"

"You have black eyes!"

Monica blushed and raised her head to meet John's gaze, "Yeah I have."

As John moved closer to Monica, he paused for a second before he placed his arms around her and hugged her. Monica rested her head on his chest, releasing more tears as she hugged him back.

"Only you and Dusty Springfield can still look good with black eyes."


	2. In Private

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to Born To Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler for Hellbound. Sequel to Born To Try. Any mistakes are my own and unintentional.  
> Written in 2002 and posted in 2004.

NOVI, VIRGINIA

"Only you and Dusty Springfield can still look good with black eyes!"

John continued to hold Monica

"I think I'll take that as a compliment John."

Monica was still resting her head on John's shoulder, releasing more tears.

"I'm a failure no matter how hard I try."

John leaned forward and kissed the top of Monica's head. "Shush, let it all fade away, I'm here now."

Monica rasied her head from John's shoulder. "You really mean that?"

"Yeah I do. Now come on, sit down, and you can tell me about what's brought all this on."

John let Monica out of his embrace and walked towards the bed. John sat down on the and patted a space beside him for Monica to sit.

Monica rested her head once again on John's shoulder. "Detective Van Allen kept on telling me that I was a failure, which is true."

"You're not a failure Nic. How do you come to that conclusion?" John asked.

"All of the bad things that have happened in my life."

John gently caressed Monica's cheek. "What bad things?"

"Being given up for adpotion by my real mother, I failed her after less than a week of living."

"That's not your fault, you are not to blame for your mother's choices. What else have YOU done to make you think like this?"

Monica grumbled, "What haven't I done!"

John placed his arms around, Monica pulling her closer to him. "Come on let it all out, you'll get ill if you keep your feelings bottled up."

"I almost burnt down the house. I cooked some baked beans and I forgot to turn off the gas ring. I failed by being stupid."

John chuckled, "I've done that myself a few times, usually after having one beer too many. Monica smiled at John's comment.

"That's all well and good John, but it was my way of proving to my family that I was responsible enough to be left home alone."

"Nic, it is human error. Everybody does something like that from time to time. What else have you done to belive that you're a failure."

Monica moved tighter into John's embrace. John began to run his fingers through her hair.

"I almost broke my family apart when I was twelve because I'm not 'blood' as my brothers once put it."

"What happened?"

"The usual drama. Mom and dad were fighting pretty much all the time, and my dad kept on saying he'd get a divorce unless I went to another family."

"Did they get divorced Nic?"

"Nah, they worked it all out and realised that it didn't matter that I wasn't blood. I felt so bad because it was me they were fighting over."

John kissed Monica on the forehead.

Monica sobbed, "In college I made the biggest mistake and proved all my faults in one night."

"What faults? What mistake?"

"In college I fell in love, at least that's what I thought it was, with a boy called Adam. He was the love of my life."

"Nic, everyone thinks they are in love when they are in college, just look at me, and where that got me. Tell me about Adam, and your big mistake."

"Adam had the cutest smile, and the most intense green eyes. I failed him on his eighteenth birthday."

"How'd you fail him?"

"We'd gone to a drive-in movie to watch Jaws. Driving back the street lights were all out, anyway Adam had swereved to avoid something that ran into the road. Our car careered off the road and into a willow tree."

"Carry on Nic, I'll tell you a funny story about Jaws later on."

Monica freed herself from Johns embrace. "Where are you going Nic?"

"To get some tissue, you have make-up on your shirt and I look like a panda," Monica sniffled. 

John stood up. "I'll get you some tissue, you just sit back down, I won't be long. Keep talking to me Nic."

"I survived the crash, I was lucky."

"What happened to Adam?"

"He was paralysed from the waist down. He died on his twenty-first birthday."

John handed Monica the tissues before sitting next to her. He placed his arms around her once he'd gotten comfortable.

"You were lucky how?"

"I escaped pretty much unscathed. I had five cracked ribs and a borken leg. I shut a lot of people out of my life after the accident. What Jaws story John?"

"OK but only if you promise not to laugh."

"I won't."

"My mom and aunties went to watch Jaws when it first came out. My mom had gone to the bathroom and just as she came back the Shark's head came out of the water. Mom ran so fast that when the lights came up my auntie had a bloody nose."

Monica giggled, "How did your mom manage that?"

"She got a little jumpy and my auntie was on the recieving end." John added, "Carry on Nic."

Once again, Monica moved tighter into John's embrace. "As you know John, I joined the FBI in 1990. I'd started to let people in and open up more before I signed up."

"Yeah and you failed when and how?"

"The thing of it is I was a success at first. Then I was assigned Luke's case."

"Luke's death is not your fault, don't you ever think that it is."

"Hear me out, John please."

John began to run his fingers through Monica's hair.

"If I had of used my abilities, we would have found him alive. I failed you John because I promised you that I would find him and bring him back to you alive."

John placed the palm of his hand on his chest. "Nic, listen to me. Luke is still alive, still alive in here. No one will ever take my baby from my heart  
not now not ever."

"You don't blame me for Luke's death?"

"I never have, I never will. Also I wouldn't have you working with me on the X-Files if I blamed you."

"So you never blamed me, even when you had your real bad days?"

"No, because you did your best. You tried Nic. You were born to try."

Monica smiled at John's comments. "Thank you John, for believing in me and not thinking that I am a failure."

Monica kissed John on the cheek. "I best had get cleaned up."

"Yeah you best had, I'll be next door if you need me."

"OK John thank you."


End file.
